What even happened today?
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The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.