My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
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CRYING
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
If snakes were wide
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.