[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
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I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
The old gods are rising again.