This is me 🤣🤣
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everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet