I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
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Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
having children is a pyramid scheme.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.