Wikigenius
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As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
getting old is fun
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?