I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…