Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
You Might Also Like
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins