Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
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Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
#CoronaOutbreak
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”