“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
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If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
do horses think humans are hats
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Happy Halloween 🎃
that colleague who touches your screen
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.