sounds kinky. i’m in.
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I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
got so much cardio in today
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Best spoiler warning ever
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell