If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
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The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.