Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
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There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat