It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
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“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire