Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
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Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
The internet is full of many things
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
According to math, I’m broke
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
The best shot in the history of golf
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Happy thanksgiving
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”