BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
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Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans