My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
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I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Anyone want a chair?
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot