Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
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ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”