I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
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Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Breaking news:
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.