Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
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Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
that lip filler tho
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
😆this is so true
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”