[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
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Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.