Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
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DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”