crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
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WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.