Fidel Castro was alive?
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There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I was just discussing this with my cat
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Wait a second…
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I’m an avid indoorsman.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.