Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
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Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.