If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
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**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Just grow your own
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.