Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
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Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.