Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
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Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A