“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
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*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
(Jupiter –
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.