Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
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It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk