Happy Febuary everyone!
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Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Krampus.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power