“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
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If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
You are not alone 💚
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq