Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
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what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Why soy sad?
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Finally!
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126