…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
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me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
rapatouille
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
*struts into the new year
~ trips
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.