It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
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Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
courtroom exchange of the day
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I think I’ll stand
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.