[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
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All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
okay run it by me one more time
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”