[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
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Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids