A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
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[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep