*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
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Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that