I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
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Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Siri, fight Alexa.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Got him!
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.