My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
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*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
So the ex texted me
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.