Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
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If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
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OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
DOOO EEEET
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.