Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
You Might Also Like
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT