I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
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banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*