[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
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THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
WTF
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.