Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
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Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
wtf is a larm clock?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words