Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
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waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart