[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
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When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.