When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
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Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I wish all tests were things you peed on
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*