You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
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i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.